Your Imagination Can be Your Friend: Cultivating "Theory of Mind" to Overcome Social Anxiety and Transform your Default Mode Network
Many folks come to me for help with social anxiety whether it's the main problem, a component, or an issue on the side. Social anxiety can range from mild discomfort and self-doubt during social situations (not to mention before and after them as well!), to a life of debilitating fear, avoidance and isolation.
Although anyone can develop social anxiety, it probably comes as no surprise that our prior experiences in social interactions shape what we expect in the future. If we've been treated as though we are welcome and belong, we're more likely to anticipate that we are welcome and do belong wherever we go. If people have laughed at our jokes and consoled our tears, we tend to live our lives as though we can count on others to attune and respond to our emotions. But if we haven't been so fortunate, social interactions can be much more worrisome. If we've been ignored, we won't count on others to pay attention to us. If we've been told we are stupid, ugly, or worthless, we are likely to anticipate that this is what others think of us, regardless of whether or not they say it out loud. Trauma can lead to an overactive or even enlarged amygdala, leading people to be more likely to interpret neutral facial expressions as angry or disapproving. Cumulatively, these patterns of social interaction help form your brain's Default Mode Network.
So, what can you do about this? Well, of course, it can be helpful to process past experiences of abuse or neglect with a skilled counselor. You might want to reflect on how these experiences have shaped you, and access feelings of grief, anger, sadness, or fear. Through this process, you may gain insight on how these traumas have shaped you, while at the same time you learn to differentiate the past from the present, and see how your life now offers options that weren't available before.
But what about those pesky default assumptions? You know, how you automatically assume that people are judging and disapproving of you? Believe it or not, there are a few things you can do to change how you think and feel in social interactions in the present moment. And many of them have to do with your imagination.
At present, your imagination isn't always your friend. It often imagines worst case scenarios and harsh judgments, ruining many a fine day and sabotaging relationships. By the very same token, your imagination can become your greatest asset in overcoming these old, worn-out patterns of unhelpful thinking.
Here's one starting point: an imaginary friend. Yes, I'm serious! Imaginary friends aren't just for kids. As adults, calling to mind how a supportive other would treat us in a given situation can be tremendously helpful. Perhaps at one point in your life you had a close friend, relative, or even pet, with whom you felt safe, seen, and cared for. Regardless of whether or not they are still with you, imagining what they would say or do can bring comfort and insight. If you don't have someone like that in your life, or if you prefer not to use that approach, you can draw upon a fictional character or favorite person. My personal favorites are the cast of the show Queer Eye . My personal favorite is Karamo Brown, but you can imagine Bobby, Tan, Antoni, or the ever-popular and always "gorgeous" Jonathan, as a companion and coach there to offer words of comfort and encouragement to support you. For those who are religious, cultivating an inner dialogue with Jesus, God, Mother Mary, Archangel Michael, Buddha, Mohammed, Krishna, Quan Yin, Pacha Mama, Pele, Oshun, or any other deity of your choice can be an excellent way to go, especially if accompanied by a sense of how that deity would respond, or by scriptures that highlight mercy and compassion. Anyone, real or fictional, who you would want as a friend or mentor will do.
And here's another angle to work: practice "mentalizing," or "theory of mind." It is an unfortunate irony that sometimes those of us who have been most hurt by a lack of empathy in others are sometimes lacking in empathy ourselves, not through any fault of our own, but because it's been missing from our lives as a whole. Social anxiety keeps us so caught up in our own insecurities that we sometimes fail to notice what other people are going through; we take their gestures to mean something negative about us, when actually those gestures are conveying information about them. You can begin to reverse that trend through exercising your imagination.
Example: you are walking down the street and cross paths with a man who appears to be scowling.
Default assumption: "I'm fat, and I'm taking up too much room on the sidewalk. I should be getting out of his way. I should be thinner. Everybody thinks I'm fat and ugly and I don't know how to dress or move graciously. I'll never meet anyone because I'm so ugly and awkward." How does this make you feel? Shameful, sad, defeated, lonely, afraid. How does this cause you to act? Work even harder to get out of other people's ways; withdraw further from social interactions. Ripple effects in your life: friendships wither and you become more lonely and depressed. What else could be going on? Hmm, let's exercise our imaginations here for a moment. What could have been happening with that guy? Here's a list of alternate stories ranging from serious to silly:
He's walking toward the sun, it's bright, his eyes are sensitive, and he's squinting.
A supervisor just yelled at him and he's taking a walk to cool off.
He's having indigestion, his stomach hurts, and so he's grimacing, and can't wait to get home and lay down.
He's had a stroke and his face is contorted due to a neurological problem.
How do these guesses cause you to feel? Neutral, indifferent, sympathetic How do they cause you to act? Life goes on as usual, and you have taken one more step to retrain your Default Mode Network toward a more peaceful state of mind.
Example: you are performing a routine task at work while your boss paces hurriedly around the room, huffing.
Default assumption: "my boss is impatient with me and thinks I'm incompetent." What else could be going on?
Your boss is feeling under tremendous pressure from her boss or a needy customer and is anxious about getting this project done on time.
Your boss really has to pee but thinks they shouldn't take a break until this is done.
Your boss is thinking about an upsetting interaction with her son's daycare provider, and is nervous about getting there on time.
How do these guesses cause you to feel? Neutral, indifferent, sympathetic How do they cause you to act? Continue performing your job as usual; gently point out that your boss seems tense; ask her how she's doing, if she has any concerns about your performance, and if there is anything you can do to help. What are the ripple effects? You gain a sense of confidence at work, and build your boss's trust in you as a competent and helpful employee.
