How to Apologize
Many of us have not been shown how to apologize well. We may be harboring our own unhealed wounds and deep-seated resentments in places where we have been hurt by someone who has not made proper amends. Our trust may have been broken time and time again. Although at times we may ourselves be the one who owes an apology, it is difficult to know how to offer someone that which we ourselves have not received. We may also live with chronic shame or struggle with self-worth. We may be afraid, secretly or not-so-secretly, that we are bad, wrong, corrupt, worthless, or evil. This sense of ourselves as fundamentally inadequate and unworthy can be painful to live with, and can make it difficult to tolerate any additional stress. Knowing that we let someone down can feed right into that core wound, merging a single instance of our behavior with our permanent sense of identity. A situation that might cause ordinary guilt, hopefully with the possibility of recompense, can morph into inordinate shame. I did something wrong becomes I am wrong. Ironically, those who are hardest on themselves have the most difficulty hearing any sort of negative feedback from someone else, and are sometimes incapable of acknowledging their own mistakes, for fear that to do so would be to agree to their own condemnation. Thus, it is not only arrogant narcissists who cannot properly apologize; it is also the most insecure, depressed, and frankly, ordinary, among us. Finally, when a relationship is strained, apologizing can feel like defeat. We hesitate to say we are sorry for fear, real or imagined, that the other person will agree we are the culprit, feel justified in their behavior and thus be let off the hook for the pain they have caused us. So we remain stubbornly committed to the shaky ground we have managed to claim, demanding that our combatant be the first to apologize before we dare make a move ourselves. We neglect to see that our opponent is in much the same position, instead living by the wishful thinking that if we only pressure or cajole enough, they will surely be the first to change. True apology and forgiveness are relational art forms missing from so many of our lives. And so we live in a fragmented manner, the weight of pain and resentment slowing us down as we attempt to climb over the rubble of burned bridges in order to move toward some kind of haplessly imagined future for ourselves. No wonder many of us sit down amidst the mess and give up, though alone and surrounded by chaos. There is a better way. I will share with you some tools and components of a healthy apology. But first, a word on self-esteem. These communication techniques can only get you so far in an environment of shame. The first component of an apology requires an ability to distinguish shame from remorse. For me to apologize to you, I need first to believe that you and I are equals; I am worthy of your forgiveness, and you of mine, and we both have the power to extend such grace. If I am superior to you, I owe you no apology; if I am inferior to you, I do not deserve your forgiveness. I must have some sense of my basic goodness in order to know that I am forgivable, as well as empathy to know you deserve my apology. It is because I am a good person that I can and do apologize; that is what a good person does when they mess up. When I apologize, I show that although I am not always perfect, and sometimes I am even not proud of what I do, my sense of self is not defined by my flaws. Stories of my shortcomings alone would paint a nasty picture of who I am, but I need not worry about that, because there is much more to me. I am vaster than my mistakes; they need not frighten me, and I need not deny they exist. Now that we have a healthy psychological foundation for making amends, let's discuss what makes an apology complete. We apologize because we want to do our part to alleviate any suffering we may have caused another person, knowingly or unknowingly. We may also want to rebuild trust in a relationship that we care about. As an apology is fundamentally an attempt to heal the other person's pain, we must lead with empathy. An apology must also be truthful in order to be genuine. To re-establish broken ground between two people we must create common ground, a shared understanding of what has occurred. When apologizing, we do this best by first acknowledging as valid the other person's understanding of what has occurred, before introducing our own if it differs. And so we start by gently stating the facts of what we did or of what may have occurred from their perspective:
I am sorry I was fifteen minutes late to the play.
We can flip our usual defensiveness on its head. Instead of defensively arguing that the other person is over-reacting, we can look for and acknowledge any ways it is possible they might actually be trying to contain their reaction, downplay their hurt, take care of or make amends toward us. It may not be obvious, but when we train ourselves to look for this, we see it much more. Recognizing all that others do to keep the peace softens our weary companions a great deal:
I can see you look tense, and that's understandable. I appreciate that you seem to have tried to hold it in until we got home, and maybe you're just trying to let it go, even though you're hurt.
We then make our best empathetic guesses as to how this may have caused the other person to feel. If they have already told us - angry? scared? - we show we have heard them by stating their feelings back to them:
You must have felt nervous sitting there all alone, wondering where I was, or if I would get there in time for the opening act.
We can continue to make empathic guesses - or statements, if informed by what the other person has shared with us - about the context:
You're probably also frustrated with me, because this isn't the first time I have done this. Maybe you're feeling like you can't trust me to be on time for important events at this point.
…As well as what they might want, need, value, be concerned with, or think.
I know it meant a lot to you to show up in support of your sister's acting career, and you wanted me by your side as part of your family so that she feels loved by both of us.
This is also an okay time to state how we feel about our part in things.
Frankly, I am embarrassed I was late again, and frustrated with myself.
And we can share anything we agree on or both want for the relationship:
I want your sister to know I support her, too. And I do want you to be able to count on me. I know I have to earn your trust back.
Only then might it be appropriate to share more of what was happening on our end, careful not to justify, equivocate, or make excuses. This is our opportunity to acknowledge our fallible but well-meaning humanity. This is our opportunity to practice compassion for ourselves, and broaden our understanding of complex circumstances. It is an opportunity to let the other person in on our thinking, which may help alleviate any frightening assumptions they might harbor about what caused our behavior:
It was another one of those days where the boss was droning on and on at the meeting, and I kept staring at the clock, hoping it would be over any minute. I left as soon as I could, and told myself I would get there on time, but of course I knew I was cutting it close, and then there was an accident on the freeway, and it was already rush hour.
And we can share what we are learning, can do differently next time, or need to ask the other person to do to help us.
I know I've done this before. Ihave this habit of being overly optimistic about time, only to let you down. I probably should have just called you and told you I was gonna be late. Or maybe I should have let my boss know before the meeting that I had plans and had to be sure to leave right at 5 today. I'm sorry. I am working on trying to adjust how I think about time, and catch myself in wishful thinking, but I'm not perfect. If this happens again, what would you like me to do?
For our apology to be complete, of course, we must be receptive to the other person's feelings. It would be lovely if our apology worked its magic immediately, but we have to come prepared to accept that it may not. Sometimes, acknowledging the other person's feelings gives them an opening for them to share more about their feelings. We should prepare ourselves to welcome this. For instance, we might hear:
Well, it's a relief to hear you acknowledge my perspective for once. And yeah, I am mad. I told you how much this mattered to me. I even reminded you to leave work early, because I already feel like I have to be your mother with these things, which is irritating as it is. I don't want to have to tell you every time, and things still not go according to plan. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
This is a good time to practice non-defensiveness and build emotional endurance for sticking through difficulties to achieve resolution. You've done great so far; don't back down now! Stick with the other person's experience until it is purged. Look for common ground and shared desires.
You're right. I am sorry. That's very understandable. I know that as much as I hate being nagged, you also don't like to nag me either, but you feel like you have no choice. That sucks for you. I want to try harder to not put you in that awkward position.
Again, you can't expect everything to heal right away. The response you hear might be:
We've been through this so many times. I don't know how
To which you could remain non-defensive, look for how the other person's lingering upset feelings are understandable, connect to those emotions, and keep looking for that common ground of what you both want, with a reply such as:
Yeah, I get it. I have broken your trust when it comes to this one. I know that at this point, you can't rely on me to manage my time and always show up when I need to be there. I see that this makes everyday stuff harder, it makes you hesitate to ask things of me, and it seems to be affecting our sex life too, and that really saddens me. I don't want us to keep drifting apart. I miss feeling close with you.
This might soften the other person to hear. They may say:
I miss feeling close with you too. It's really frustrating that this stuff keeps getting in the way.
Then you might draw them closer, perhaps for a hug. Notice what just happened: a mutual agreement was reached as to shared feelings and desires; you both miss feeling close with one another. The problem has now been, as they say in Narrative therapy, externalized. You are no longer the problem; in fact, it's not even your actions in specific contexts that are the problem anymore; the problem is this irritating series of events that keeps happening, because of how it hurts you two and what you both are really after. The problem is that you both miss each other because this thing gets in the way. As a human being, you are permitted to be flawed. You get to be poor at time management; it doesn't make you sinful. You are just frustrated that this flaw of yours, and the series of events it triggers, is getting in the way of connecting. Which, as a human being, you get to want, and pursue, and do your best to create with the people you love. You reply with the healing words known by the Hawaiians as Ho'oponopono:
Thank you. I love you. I'm sorry. Please forgive me.
