The ADHD Ripple Effect, Part 1: Social Anxiety
If you come to a therapist for social anxiety, we may use CBT to help you recognize the spotlight effect - that all-too-human cognitive distortion that makes you feel like everyone is thinking about you, when the truth is, they're thinking more about themselves. We might help you recognize how your self-critical thoughts serve to disqualify the positive while overemphasize the negative, and then teach you to correct for that. We might help you process painful past experiences of rejection, bullying, neglect, or criticism that instilled in you such a harsh inner critic. We might teach you mindfulness, self-compassion, or positive affirmations.
You know what we're not supposed to say? "Why yes, maybe you did blurt out the wrong thing and embarrass yourself."
Or, "that does sound pretty offensive."
Or, "I could see how people could judge you for doing that."
Or, "Sounds like you messed up, and need to make amends."
Or, "You feel insecure, but perhaps they think you're aloof."
But what if those things are true? Moreover, what if we're misdiagnosing the problem?
People often have social anxiety for a reason, and it's not always because they have been treated cruelly. People who have ADHD receive a lot more criticism than neurotypicals because, despite all our charm and creativity, we don't always make the best siblings, students, friends, workers, spouses, or parents. Let's face it: we can be obnoxious, disappointing, or flaky. We blurt things out in the wrong context and realize a moment too late what we've just done. We talk too much, or too tangentially. We lose track of where we were going in a conversation, rendering our entire story pointless or our joke without a punchline. We forget names and birthdays. We space out when people share their plans, then neglect to ask them those friendly follow-up questions that show we care: "how was the movie?" "Is your aunt feeling better?" We're late. We're messy. We lose things. We can't figure out the right words to say under pressure. We are too busy covering for our impostor syndrome to focus on what our boss is telling us. We overcommit and underdeliver, leaving a trail of broken promises in our wake.
Not every ADHDer has all of these negative traits all of the time, nor does every neurotypical surpass them. But if you have ADHD (or think you might), you may see yourself in some of these statements and think, "yep, that's why I'm awkward."
Perhaps the solution, then, involves more than just letting go of worries and being kinder to yourself. Perhaps it also involves diagnosing and treating the underlying condition that makes it hard for you to show up in the world as the person you want to be: someone who can think before they speak, remember important details of others' lives, keep promises, and find the right words in challenging situations. Sometimes it's only when you have the right understanding of your own behavior, and tools for addressing it, that you can sincerely extend yourself compassion for all the times you messed up, and start creating a social life you can be proud of.
