When There is Two
Where there is two, there is duality. Two points in relation to one another form a polarity. Comparison, though relative, is inevitable.
Where there is dark, there is light. Where there is day, there is night. Where there is hot, there is cold. Where there is spring, there is fall. Sweet would not taste so sweet were it not for bitter. Abundance would not feel as much without scarcity. Our shame dances with our pride, as does our sorrow with our joy, and our youth with our maturity.
Nature seeks a balance. Human love is no exception.
Where one pursues, another withdraws. Where one under-functions, another over-compensates. Where one is childlike, another becomes parental. Where one is masculine, another becomes more feminine. Where one dominates, another submits.
Where one parent indulges, another must keep order. When one partner is sick, the other will caretake. When one feels entitled, the other will give ever more in an effort to please. Where one partner is emotionally volatile, the other will feel the need to flatten and level themselves. When one is repressed, secretive, or withholding, the other may poke and prod. Where one has strong preferences, the other will likely concede. Where one fails to acknowledge an issue, the other may point to it more dramatically. When one feels the need to "bring things up," the other will advocate for "letting them go."
For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. -Newton's Third Law of Motion
Yet a polarity is unstable, and sometimes calls in a third entity to balance the equation or provide an outlet for the mounting tension between the two. Where there is a victim, no doubt you will find a perpetrator, whether real or perceived; eventually, a rescuer is bound to show up (I will write more on the Karpman Drama Triangle another time.) A child can become triangulated between two parents in conflict, just as a paramour can become the illicit outlet for unmet needs and unexpressed emotions between two spouses. Similarly, a mutual business, house, or pet can take the role of a triangulated child, absorbing the tensions of discord and serving as scapegoat for the underlying nature of the conflict.
Two becomes three when polarization reaches its breaking point and cannot sustain the tension without a third point of contact. As a relationship escalates in toxicity, inevitably it will end up in an affair (the third here being the illicit lover); the triangulation of a child (the third here being the child); a conflict over shared resources (the third here being the business, money, house, or pet); an addiction as an outlet for the stress (the substance or habit itself forming the third, between the stress points of the addict and codependent); or, in some of the worst cases, when conflict becomes domestic violence - involving a victim and a perpetrator - the legal system may step in as rescuer.
Most people do not want to live this way. Children, pets, businesses, finances, friends, lovers (when ethically non-monogamous), and even to a moderate extent recreational drinking, can all have wonderful and appropriate places in relationships. But whenever they serve as an outlet for stress between two people, they are bound to go beyond their intended purpose in ways that can be harmful for all involved.
To prevent that from happening, a couple must learn to de-polarize. That is, not to eliminate polarity, for it is the dances between opposites that make life what it is; but to be able to do just that - dance: engage in a fluid, changing dynamic that renders beauty and ultimate harmony. One cannot dance while standing rigidly in one place. To de-polarize, therefore, is to get un-stuck; to allow oneself, across time and space, to move through both ends of every spectrum. When we dance, we shift high, and then low; left, and then right. She who moved toward her partner in one moment is moving back from him in the next. In the dance of de-polarization, we occupy every position, not just one, in order to more fully expand into ourselves and our relationships.
Ancient Chinese philosophy recognized the dance of opposites early on, terming it Yin and Yang. I find fascinating about this symbol that each contains the seed of its opposite. If you have been stuck in the proverbial yin, you and your relationship may be ready for you to find your inner yang, creating balance and dissipating tension.
As a couples therapist, one of my first tasks is to identify the polarity between two people; I have never failed to find one. I may then notice whether or not this polarization has led to any triangulation: have the two magnetized a third? If so, who or what has become triangulated? And who is the one on top?
My next task is to help each partner get un-stuck and liberate one another from becoming rigidly cemented into seemingly opposing roles. I help each see themselves in one another, and one another in themselves. I help them own parts of themselves that have been disowned and projected on to one another. I find ways to help the one who was leaning toward, lean back into themselves; the one who was leaning away, to come forward. I help the optimist access her fears, the pessimist his hope; the strong one her vulnerability, and the juvenile one his maturity.
But, I'm getting ahead of myself - we're not done discussing triangulation...
Although a third point lends stability to two, still, humans have learned that it is squares and rectangles - not triangles - that lend sufficient stability from which to build stable, long-lasting structures.
“The meaning of the triangle can vary based on their orientation. None of the other basic shapes offer this kind of inherent duplicity. When we turn a square on its side, the symbol meaning remains the same. Same with the circle - rolling it around, it's still a circle. But the triangle proposes mammoth (polar even) variables in meanings when tipped top from bottom." -Erin Kacie Brown
And so, three becomes four: the Victim, Rescuer, and Perpetrator all need a Peacekeeper. The Peacekeeper can see each person from all sides. The Peacekeeper sees with compassion, recognizing each unique being as infinitely more than the position it currently occupies. By seeing the true nature of those in the triangle, the Peacekeeper liberates each person from the roles in which they have become stubbornly entrenched, giving them permission to know themselves as sovereign beings. Thus, identity stops being formed by reactivity, and instead becomes rooted in dignity.
It is no coincidence that the Peace symbol comprises four connected points. First, there is a singularity: one. This is lonely, lacking perspective and change, so it seeks polarity, and magnetizes another singularity, into a polarity of two. As tension between these two opposites grows, the tension finds an outlet in a third. But this third cannot stand on its own, embodying its own distinct identity - it cannot fully individuate, and access its own one-ness; without being liberated from that role. The fourth entity, the Peacekeeper, comes along to restore balance and help each part of the triad source its identity, not from its position in relation to others - a highly subjective, fallible, and vulnerable location indeed! - but from the center, the source, or the unifying principle. Thus, the presence of the fourth point within the circle points the other three to the source, where they all meet in the middle, representing Unity. Each now has its connection to the one singular point in the center - that which some may conceive of as God, or Oneness - while also maintaining its place along the edge of the circle, that place at which it occupies the furthest point from the center - the height of individuality, or separateness. Peace is that force which dissipates tension between flawed, unstable humans by redirecting each to remember and reconnect with itself as an individual, while also reconnecting with Source. Thus, we direct our inner tumult, not toward other equally flawed humans as we do when polarized or triangulated, but to our innermost self, and/or Higher Power, the only two places where peace and inner knowing that is not based in relativity (or duality, or comparison) can truly exist.
If you and your significant other have become rigid in the polarities that you occupy, and perhaps have triangulated a third into the tensions between you, you may be ready to bring in a fourth to help you find peace. My role as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist is to be that fourth, who directs each person back away from the tensions between them, to the source within them. Once each reconnects with the source within themselves, and their own authentic place in the circle of life, they may then also find that point of Unity where they all meet in the middle.
