Victim is Not a Permanent Position
There is a difference between a role and an identity. A role is temporary, defined by circumstance and relatedness. Identity is, hopefully, longer lasting, more enduring and resilient. In my recent blog post Where there is two, I explain these differences in detail, and how liberation takes place when we stop confusing our temporary role for our permanent identity.
"Victim" is a role: temporary, circumstantial and relative. One cannot be a victim without a story that has a beginning, a middle, and - hopefully - an end! By definition, one is a victim solely in relation to others. Where there is a victim, there is, at minimum, at least one perpetrator, and perhaps rescuers as well. (See: The Karpman Drama Triangle.)
What makes one a victim? By definition, a victim is defined by events that have happened in the past, and/or, are happening in the present. One was victimized, or is being victimized currently. It is circumstantial.
One only becomes a victim in the future by allowing that story to define who they are, and thus, participate in their own re-victimization.
When I identify as a victim, I become enmeshed with the wrongdoing of others, at my own expense.
If I am an innocent victim, I have done nothing wrong. Perhaps I was duped, fooled, conned, or manipulated; or perhaps I was just straight attacked. Regardless of whether the aggression was overt or covert, brutal or subtle, physical or psychological; whether I was exploited financially, sexually, or emotionally; it was not my fault, and the other person's behavior was not my responsibility.
Enough has been taken from me already, needlessly. I did nothing to warrant, earn, or deserve that treatment. Perhaps there is a lesson to be learned, but that lesson is not that I am guilty, bad, shameful, or wrong; the lesson may be about recognizing and shoring up the emotional vulnerabilities in me that rendered me vulnerable to exploitation. Perhaps there are lessons to be learned about the dangerous people in the world, or how to do my research, or become less gullible, or set healthier boundaries. Whatever the case may be, I can learn those lessons with no less than 100% love, acceptance, and compassion for myself.
So, as someone who has been victimized, I have already been hurt enough, in my past. As I learn, I can begin to make changes in my present to extricate myself from harmful situations. And I can take my life back by deciding that my future will be different from my past. I can allow the guilt and shame to return to their rightful owner - the one(s) who inflicted the harm on me. I may have been harmed before now, but from now on, the perpetrator(s) can be the one to carry the emotional burden of what they have done.
I do not need to merge myself with the guilt and shame that belongs to someone who has harmed me. I do not need to take on those emotions or allow them to define me. That guilt and shame belongs to them, whether or not they consciously feel or express it.
Victim is a role I have played in relation to others. I may have been co-opted into this role because perpetrators exist, and I exist in the same world as them, and we are all relational beings influencing one another. Yet roles I play do not define who I am. As my position in relation to others shifts - and hopefully, it does, fluidly, over time - I can embody different roles. As I mature, I approach my own dance with more discernment. I choose with whom I dance, what spaces I occupy, and how I move in relation to others. If someone begins to dance with me in a way I do not like, I move away from them. I am fluid. All spaces I occupy, all roles I play in this dance are temporary; and, hopefully, are increasingly joyful ones for me. Regardless, they are all simply ever-evolving roles; none define who I am.
It is with love, from one survivor to another, that I say you can stop being a victim right now. You do not have to own the position others have put you in. The fact that they put you in that position says more about them than it does about you - unless you want it to say something about you. Do you?
