Principled Excellence as Moral Duty; Harmonious Peacefulness as Congruent Repose
These two phrases — principled excellence as moral duty; harmonious peacefulness as congruent repose — come from Enneagram expert Chris Heuertz’s descriptions of the essential strivings of Enneatypes One and Nine, respectively. These phrases came to mind today when I was searching for the words to describe that which I most deeply long for. As an Enneatype One, with both Nine and Two wings, these descriptions not only resonate with me, but show up again and again in daily life.
Lately I’ve been enjoying connecting online with people who share values and concerns similar to mine. It’s been quite a welcome change of pace. A few months ago, I was struggling to find online community. I frequently found myself in quickly escalating contentions, despite a concerted effort to stick to my principles of how I treat others. For example, as much as possible, I strive to refrain from the cognitive distortions, emotional abuse and manipulation tactics that so bother me when others engage in them. So I never call people names or attack their characters, and as much as possible I try not to misrepresent or distort their views. I try to be open to clarification. I only begin to assume negative intent after an overwhelming amount of evidence that such an assumption would be correct (and perhaps necessary for the sake of protecting myself or others). I give people the benefit of the doubt. I criticize specific behaviors, and I articulate why in as reasonable, nuanced, and fair a tone as possible. Sometimes people respond well to this, but others do not. Even when I’ve given very little material one could possibly construe as evidence of my supposed ill intent or rotten character, my demonstrated commitment to taking the high road by refraining from petty or abusive behaviors gets misinterpreted as pompousness. I get called arrogant, self-satisfied, on a high horse, and so on. In these instances, it comes across to me that people are looking for a fight; they’re hoping I will sink to their level and throw a tantrum as messy and destructive as the one they’re throwing; and when I don’t — when I continue to behave as an adult, even though that’s much kinder than what they’re doing — they find a way to negatively frame that, too. The commitment to assuming ill intent seems to render it impossible in their minds that I am engaging in good faith, so they look for evidence of my badness, even if they have to wear shit-colored glasses to distort things adequately enough to do so. It’s disheartening, to say the least.
So you can imagine my relief at finding a way out of the bubbles I was trapped in and into new spheres of online community that seemed to behave much differently. And for the most part, it’s going well. But there have been a few places where I’ve started to feel that same disenchantment. And when that happens, it’s somehow worse. It’s not just coming from strangers on the internet, even if those strangers happen to be fellow therapists (which, of course, is very disheartening to see). It’s coming from people whose work I have respected and admired. I’m talking public figures with a prolific presence in the world of podcasting and YouTube. People who say things I really appreciate and believe need to be said. People I hoped to connect with, and believed shared my values. People who are concerned with the same social ailments that I am.
I am disturbed at what I’m seeing: combativeness. Unchecked irritability taken out on unsuspecting observers and supporters. Competitiveness. Assuming ill intent. Snide, sarcastic, pompous demeanors. Unwillingness to self-examine, self-correct, or reconcile. Resorting to low blows. Nihilism.
Honestly, from a therapeutic lens, it’s not an uncommon outward manifestation of untreated male depression. These men very well may be quite lonely, cynical, and unhappy. I wish they would get help. I hope they find love. As much as they irritate and disappoint me, I still care for them and wish them well. (I’m not saying these problems are exclusive to men, but so far the people I’ve seen them in have all been men.)
Whatever the etiology, though, these behaviors are not a good look. They are alienating, discrediting, and counterproductive.
I’ve seen it in public figures I’ve had no personal contact with, and in a couple that I have, to varying degrees. I’m not writing about this to be passive-aggressive, to call them out, or destroy their reputations. I wouldn’t call out any individual by name unless they had really done something severe enough to warrant that. For the most part, I still wish these people success in their endeavors. In fact, that’s one of the key reasons I express how their actions disturb me. I believe they have important messages, and I’d hate to see them turning off people who would otherwise be open to their ideas.
Today, I got into an unexpected conflict on Twitter with someone I truly harbored no ill will toward. I won’t get into the details, but a situation escalated quickly, and it felt familiar, only this time, it was with someone who I knew believed and presented himself to be antithetical to the very same sorts of tactics he was resorting to. I stuck to my fair debate principles; he called me self-satisfied and sanctimonious.
It pains me to see how shut down someone’s heart must be to think and act this way. To be so wounded, depressed, lonely, traumatized, ashamed, or whatever it is, that it becomes impossible to see the good in others who generally support you and are only respectfully disagreeing on a particular issue. To see your peers and colleagues not as allies, but as opponents. To assume ill intent. And, in particular, to see morally respectable behavior as a weapon. In other words, to believe that when I refrain from dealing low blows, that I’m still trying to hurt you some other way.
No, I’m not. This isn’t a battle to me. You are not my enemy. And my goal isn’t to win. It isn’t to prove myself morally superior to you. Do you have any idea how little it feeds me emotionally to smugly “win?” That is the food of an emotionally impoverished, malnourishing diet. I have no taste for it. If I manage to come across as “morally superior” and paint you as less than me, or I make a better argument and you give up, I have won nothing. Because my goal isn’t to be right, or better. It’s to connect and heal. To belong to a cooperative community. To help all of us evolve together. With you by my side, friend.
To whatever extent I view myself as morally superior to others, I am sad about it. It’s a lonely state, and certainly no end goal of mine. If I am morally superior, that means I live in a world of people who are less good than me. Less kind, considerate, cooperative, rational, thoughtful, and generous. What kind of world is that? How am I to be happy in it? Solitary self-satisfaction is a meager substitute for belonging to a positive community that cares about me as much as I care about it.
It’s much more the case, not that I view myself as fundamentally better than others, but that I strive for principled excellence as moral duty, and harmonious peacefulness as congruent repose. As such, in various situations I might well be behaving in a way that I do find morally superior to the ways in which others are behaving. But I want to be effective in my attempts at communicating with them. And what would feel effective to me, would be if I felt met on the same wavelength, same playing field, as where and how I’m trying to operate. If I am on a higher level, and am resisting being pulled down into low blows, it’s not because I want to maintain my elevated status, it’s because I want to lift others up. My aim isn’t to prove myself superior, it’s to belong. It’s just that I won’t sign up for the wrong set of terms and conditions in order to meet my needs for belonging. I want to offer a new set of terms and conditions: principled excellence, harmonious peacefulness, congruent repose.
Please join me.
