Let’s Talk About Identity.
Let’s chat identity for a moment.
If I identify as a doctor, but lack the credentials, am I a doctor?
If I identify as a nice person, but 80% of people who interact with me find me rude, am I a nice person?
If I identify as a fan of a band, but I never listen to their music and I don’t know the words to any of their songs, am I a fan?
If I identify as being in a relationship with someone, but they don’t want to date me, are we in a relationship?
If I identify as Japanese, but have no Asian ancestors, am I Japanese?
If I identify as Christian, but don’t read the Bible, go to church, reflect on Christ’s teachings, or engage in any form of prayer or worship, am I Christian?
If I identify as bisexual, but have never dated, crushed on, pursued, or fantasized about a woman, am I bisexual?
If I identify as wealthy, but can barely make my rent on time each month, am I wealthy?
If I identify as disabled, but have no medical diagnoses, am I disabled?
If I identify as fashionable, but most people who see me find my choices of clothing off-putting, am I fashionable?
If I identify as an expert in mycology, but can only identify three species of mushrooms, am I a mycologist?
If I identify as bisexual, but have never dated, crushed on, pursued, or fantasized about a woman, am I bisexual?
If I identify as wealthy, but can barely make my rent on time each month, am I wealthy?
If I identify as disabled, but have no medical diagnoses, am I disabled?
Now, here are some things I can honestly identify as:
Homeowner
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Partner
Alloparent to partner’s kids
Decent cook
Amateur gardener
Moderately fit
Skillful writer
Karaoke lover
Piano tinkerer
Woman
Each of these identities is something I know about myself. But it’s also confirmed by the outside world. As certain colleagues in psychology often say, identity is something we negotiate with others.
To become an LMFT, I went through steps outlined by accrediting boards.
To be a partner and alloparent, I cultivated healthy relationships with my partner & his family.
To be moderately fit, I exercise regularly.
To be an amateur gardener, I get my hands dirty.
Any of the traits, roles, or habits I listed are observable by others.
In a sense, I don’t get to define my own identity. At least, not in a vacuum. My identity must be confirmed by others.
Identity correlates with roles, responses, and patterns of interactive behavior over time.
Of course, we shouldn’t let people who are abusive or deranged define us. However, there are enough decent, sane people in the world that identity can be successfully negotiated most of the time, if you are willing to play fairly.
So what happens when we disregard this common knowledge? What happens when we allow the loudest voices in the room to declare instead that identity is something a person can define purely for themselves, not shaped by others; that self-identification is, essentially, gospel?
I’m no historian, sociologist, or anthropologist. However, I would loosely speculate that this rarely goes well.
Social standards serve protective purposes within cultures. Identity development as a collaborative process keeps people honest with natural checks & balances.
If anyone is allowed to say they are anything they wish to declare without question, we lose this protection. We no longer have any verification system.
If anyone who says they are a sheep is promptly admitted into every place sheep are, it only takes one wolf in a cheap costume to kill off the whole herd.
