Filling the Inner Void of Neglect
Helping a detransitioner grapple with shame about “love addiction relapse”
New here? Welcome
I’m writing a book to help survivors of gender malpractice face the numerous challenges and psychological battles before them. And I’m getting there one letter at a time, by corresponding as a sort of free advice columnist for anyone feeling lost in transition, whether they call themselves a detransitioner, desister, or just someone dealing with regret or confusion. You can find my previous exchanges with Laura here and here. On my blog you can also find a growing collection of other exchanges with other detransitioners, with more coming out each week for the foreseeable future.
All participants sign a contract to clarify expectations and agreements, and they choose how they would like to be referred to. Laura Becker has chosen to share her full name.
This is not medical advice and is not a substitute for therapy.
This week’s letter from me to Laura
Dear Laura,
You’ve shared with me another heart-rending, personal letter. Again, I’ll write a response I can share publicly, while leaving out your exact words, as you’ve asked to keep them private. But do let me know if there are parts I can use as excerpts, as you put such poignant words to experiences I’m sure others can relate to.
I hear your anguish and guilt over the sense that you have “relapsed” in your “love addiction.” I hear shame and self-berating for not acting in your own best interest. I hear feeling foolish about yourself, and also angry with someone you believe should have known better (I agree). It makes sense to be thinking and feeling all of this right now.
I want to jump to the heart of what my own painful life experiences have taught me, and what’s been confirmed again and again through my experiences helping other people through love, loss, renewal, learning things the hard way, and finally getting it right.
Here’s the heart of it. The essence of the inner transformation that needs to take place in healing from love addiction and finding a healthy relationship. Deep breath.
You have to learn to
Recognize the basic human needs that went unfulfilled early in life;
Believe in your heart of hearts that those needs are valid and that you are worthy of their fulfillment;
Take a leap of faith;
And start acting and living as if an emotionally and spiritually fulfilling life is in your future.
Let’s break this down.
Recognize the basic human needs that went unfulfilled early in life.
These include, but are not limited to:
Safety, stability, security, predictability, protection.
Affection, touch, soothing, pleasure, relief from discomfort.
Quality time, attention, recognition.
Responsiveness to physical and emotional needs.
Understanding, compassion, and encouragement.
Mirroring, twinship, rhythm, harmony, attunement, play.
Help learning how to solve problems.
Nutrition, water, air, shelter.
Play and stimulation.
Rest and relaxation.
Autonomy and exploration.
Challenge, cultivation, motivation, and encouragement.
The structured, scaffolded development of skills.
The process of building competence and competence.
Not to mention, help interpreting emotions, such as:
When does anxiety tell you to move away from danger, and when does it tell you to find courage to face your fears?
When does anger tell you you’ve been violated, and when does it mean your expectations need to be adjusted?
When does sadness tell you to be alone with yourself, and when does it mean you should seek companionship?
When does fatigue tell you that you need rest, and when does it mean you need more stimulation?
When do the munchies mean your body needs food, and when do they mean you’re thirsty or bored?
And, pertinently, today:
When does longing, lust, love or limerence mean someone is a true love worth drawing near, and when do such feelings mean someone has simply stirred up a deep compulsion to play out an old wound?
(Perhaps on this note consider watching this video on soul mates and twin flames by spiritual teacher Matt Kahn. If you can get past the woo — or get down with it — it’s chock full of wisdom.)
Believe in your heart of hearts that those needs are valid and that you are worthy of their fulfillment.
This is where shame becomes your biggest enemy. Why? Because you are ashamed of how you have acted when your needs were not fulfilled. Countless times, perhaps a few of them egregious or mortifying. Or how you behaved in a desperate attempt to get those needs fulfilled. Or of all the ways you assumed it was your fault you went without, or internalized messages as to why you deserved what you got.
“Your biggest helpers: forgiveness, grace, and a “both-and” attitude.”
Your biggest helpers: forgiveness, grace, and a "both-and" attitude.
Let’s start with the both-and. Both things can be true. You had unmet needs, and living without those needs being fulfilled made it really hard for you to behave any differently. And, you’re still not proud of how you acted in that [fill-in-the-blank] situation, despite the fact that you were working with what you had. This isn’t about rationalizing away the shame, or justifying bad behavior. It’s about making more room for all the truth. And for that you need grace and a soft place to land.
“Shame would like to have you believe that you are the worst of your behavior and aren’t capable of doing any better. [But] you are no longer “a person who does shameful thing X,” but a person who grows.”
And if you can get past the painful and self-destructive elements of shame and blame, there’s a silver lining in owning your part in the things you’re ashamed of. By acknowledging that you would like to hold a higher standard of behavior for yourself, and by allowing yourself to feel (and when appropriate, express) remorse, you actually distance yourself from shame. Shame would like to have you believe that you are the worst of your behavior and aren’t capable of doing any better. When you say to yourself (or a loved one) “that wasn’t in my highest integrity and I believe I can do better next time,” you are no longer “a person who does shameful thing X,” but a person who grows.
Practice self-forgiveness. You can even apologize to yourself, and practice giving and receiving apologies. You may find the Hawaiian practice of ho’oponopono helpful. I also recommend Sarah Peyton’s work to help you learn to have a more compassionate inner dialogue. I interviewed her in the very first episode of my podcast, and you can find her book in my bookshop.
“Given that I want to act in accordance with my highest integrity, what do I need to start giving myself, and what standards do I need to set for my life, in order to be in the best position to do so?”
Growing in this way also sets you up for the next question, and this is key: given that I want to act in accordance with my highest integrity, what do I need to start giving myself, and what standards do I need to set for my life, in order to be in the best position to do so?
Here’s a tangible example. I’m not proud of how I behave in reaction to anything emotionally upsetting late at night. The later it gets after 9pm, the more easily dysregulated I’m at risk of becoming. Now, I could berate myself for my embarrassing displays of tearful oversensitivity, and those harsh accusations toward myself wouldn’t entirely be wrong. I really shouldn’t act like that. But with a both-and attitude, I can acknowledge that while I’m not proud of my behavior, I also have unmet needs in that situation, which have to do with appropriately winding down my nervous system as my prefrontal cortex starts to go off-line from fatigue. I can extend myself grace and forgiveness.
“I know that if I’m going to need access to an important emotion regulation or communication skill, I have to give myself that access when my inner Skills Store is open.”
Most importantly, I can implement the knowledge of my needs moving forward. Today, that looked like pulling my partner aside for a few minutes in the afternoon, when I was completely within my daytime-level window of distress tolerance, in order to clear up a routine but ever-so-slightly upsetting matter. We addressed it easily in a couple of minutes and moved on with our days. Had I failed to bring it up then, I’d be at risk of unnecessarily amplified distress at bedtime. This ounce of prevention was worth a pound of cure. Notice this key element: I don’t expect myself to be able to function at 10pm the way I am capable of functioning at 4pm. I respect my own boundaries and adhere to the guidelines of my own inner Care and Maintenance Manual that I’ve developed through years of trial and error. I know that if I’m going to need access to an important emotion regulation or communication skill, I have to give myself that access when my inner Skills Store is open, because the windows shutter at 9pm.
I have this weird gift for knowing when others are thirsty, oftentimes before they know it. I’ve gotten in the habit of just telling people to drink water whenever I feel it. Once, an old acquaintance of mine gave a workshop with a friend of his. Afterward, there was a moment where the workshop facilitator stood around looking lost, and asked aloud, “what do I do now?” I instinctively said, “drink water.” He said, “ah, yes!” and hydrated immediately. That was the thing he was missing in that moment. I often sense others’ thirst as confusion. I can also feel people’s needs for water, movement and fresh air after a big emotional wave.
I can also tell my partner is hungry before he can. He becomes irritable; there’s a sharper edge in his voice. It’s more subtle than most people would notice; he’s a pretty cheerful, affable character, not the obviously hangry sort. But I feel the vibe shift. Instead of taking the tone personally, I ask what’s irritating him and when he last ate. It’s usually hunger, and he usually wasn’t aware until I pointed it out. I wonder how many ridiculous fights other couples could have avoided with the simple development of this skill — recognizing your partner’s hunger (thirst, fatigue, cold…) cues and responding accordingly, rather than reacting as if it's personal.
Being around kids will teach you this. I know you’ve been subbing lately — I’m not sure what grades, or ages? But if you’ve spent much time around children, and I think you have, you start to pick up on their cues such as hunger, thirst, fatigue, sensory over- or under-stimulation. Some are obvious, like that amusingly awkward crotch-grabbing dance they do when they have to pee. Others are more subtle, learned over time as you get to know a particular child. As adults, it’s our job to recognize and respond to these cues. In the process, naturally over time, we help children learn to recognize and respond to their own cues.
“Welcome to your body, your heart, your human psyche and all its messy needs. Time to start developing a personalized Care and Maintenance Manual.”
But if you weren’t parented well, this process may not have unfolded in the way it ideally should have. Instead of a grown-up recognizing your crankiness as a sign that it’s time for a snack, nap, or snuggle, and responding accordingly, she only snapped at you for the ways in which you misbehaved when you were hungry, tired, or in need of affection, thus making the situation worse. (Hey, maybe mom could have used a snack, nap, or snuggle herself.) So what you internalized wasn't “this is what hunger feels like; it means I need food,” but “I’m a bad kid.” Wash, rinse, repeat times ten thousand, and now you’re a mess of an adult that doesn’t know how to take care of yourself. Well, it’s time to learn, and you’ve got to start somewhere, and there’s no shame in starting right where you are, so, welcome. Welcome to your body, your heart, your human psyche and all its messy needs. Time to start developing a personalized Care and Maintenance Manual.
Take a leap of faith.
I’ve already started heading in the direction that I meant to go with these last two sections. It all blends together. Someday perhaps I’ll organize it differently. At any rate, we’re talking about the beginning of learning how to take care of yourself when no one’s taught you before.
“Faith is important, because there’s an element required of believing in something that you haven’t yet personally seen or experienced.”
Faith is important, because there’s an element required of believing in something that you haven’t yet personally seen or experienced. This is where you call on your active imagination, creativity, spirituality, role models (JP), and any positive memories, however fleeting, to help form and strengthen a more robust, lucid, detailed conceptualization… of yourself, and who you might become; of a loving relationship; of God, perhaps, however you conceive it.
Think about it like you’re making a collage. You’re forming a new image, one highly personalized to you, that’s never existed in this particular way shape or form before, but you’re drawing on materials that already exist. Or you’re a chef, inventing new recipes by combining flavors and ingredients from other foods you’ve enjoyed in the past. You take a bit of this, a bit of that, combine it to form a new thing. You get the point — you’re an artist after all.
Everything you admire, everything that resonates with something inside of you, is part of your collage, this mental image you’re developing, of how things can be. Of what they might become. What you might become. How love might show up in your life.
While I wouldn’t recommend fixating on thoughts of the man you recently broke off your online more-than-friendship with, there were things about him, as well as about others from your past, that you might want to keep as part of your formulation. The tricky task is to separate the things that are truly right for you from the things that are part of your repetition compulsion.
“The essence of the leap of faith is to accept that your Care and Maintenance Manual is a legitimate set of guidelines and hold on to the possibility that if you simply learn to follow its instructions, you can and will flourish.”
The essence of the leap of faith is to accept that your Care and Maintenance Manual is a legitimate set of guidelines and hold on to the possibility that if you simply learn to follow its instructions, you can and will flourish.
I remember walking a woman through learning this concept once.* I have many clients like this: she was the sort who would endlessly question the legitimacy of her needs. And yep, you guessed it: she had quite a history of unfulfilling, codependent relationships in which she experienced herself as pathetic and needy, all while actually doing 90% of the work in relationship with someone who wasn’t pulling their own weight. This lady though, she loved cats. And when it came to her cats, she didn’t question what they needed, she just took care of it. Thousand-dollar vet bill? Forget dining out this month; it’ll get paid. She could accept at face value that what her cats needed, they needed. She wasn’t going to try to make carnivores into vegans, or outdoor cats stay inside all day; she was going to feed them cat food and give them a safe place to play outside because cats will be cats. And they certainly didn’t have to do anything to earn their need-fulfillment. They were inherently worthy simply by virtue of existing. Could I get her to see herself that way, too? It would mean letting go of the habit of checking with everyone outside of herself for permission and validation: that it was okay for her to want some peace and quiet, or that she should have a right to paint her walls a color that she liked, or that spending a portion of her income on live theater was an acceptable life choice.
“There’s a right life for you, Goldilocks. You have to trust it. You’re not greedy or absurd. There’s a right-sized house, a right-sized car, a right-sized man.”
There’s a right life for you, Goldilocks. You have to trust it. You’re not greedy or absurd. There’s a right-sized house, a right-sized car, a right-sized man. For me, the right house has natural light; fresh carpet; a peaceful office; and a luxurious bathtub. The right car is reliable, efficient and low-maintenance. The right career involves lots of depth, creativity, intellectual stimulation, flexibility, and meaningful conversation. The right man is big and tall, cuddly and affectionate, silly and playful, patient and forgiving. The right exercise routine is low-impact and relaxing. The right diet is clean, convenient and nutritious. The right income helps me feel secure and leaves room for spontaneity. The right friends are honest, thick-skinned, quirky, and easygoing. The right bedtime prevents me from having unnecessary meltdowns, haha!
Now, does any of this sound excessive? I don’t think so. These are the conditions I need in order to thrive, plain and simple. To be my healthiest and happiest, do my best work, show up in relationships as the person I most want to be for others. Fortunately, I have pretty much all of these conditions met to an adequate degree at this point in my life. I’m pretty blessed. It hasn’t always been that way. In fact, I’ve just achieved some of these things for the first time. I had to work hard to get here. And I never could have gotten here without embracing the truth of who I am and what I need.
“So, what’s your “right life?” Start mapping it out.”
So, what’s your “right life?” Start mapping it out. Here are some prompts. Just start writing and see what comes out. Or speak these aloud to a friend or therapist or recording app and perhaps be surprised by what you hear. Don’t worry about any of this having to be perfectly clear or right or permanent. It may be just the beginning of an inkling of an insight. Just the tip of a piece of a puzzle. Just a momentary vague impression. It could change tomorrow, and it almost definitely will change ten years from now.
The right house…
The right car…
The right career…
The right man…
The right friends…
The right diet…
The right exercise routine…
The right bedtime…
The right spiritual practice…
The right mentor…
The right mindset…
Start acting and living as if an emotionally and spiritually fulfilling life is in your future.
“It’s living as if you have the future you want, if only you will cooperate with the universe in order to make it happen.”
This is a continuation of the leap of faith. It’s walking into your future. Or, you could say, working with your future. It’s living as if you have the future you want, if only you will cooperate with the universe in order to make it happen. Make sense?
I made so many dumb decisions in my dating life when I was younger. I got really hurt, and really sick of the bullshit. As I became increasingly fed up with my ongoing lack of fulfillment, I let myself finally do the right thing and hone my radar properly. My radar needed a serious recalibration. I remember when it finally started working properly, when I was able to see clearly. It was like coming out of a fog.
It was as if I had spent years panning for gold, and kept making the same mistake, getting inordinately excited every time a flake of pyrite (“fool’s gold”) drifted through my sieve. And every time I freaked out over some worthless speck of shiny mineral, not only did I embarrass myself at the trade shop getting turned down once again, I also probably wasted countless hours passing by the actual gold I would have spotted had I only known what I was looking for and how to distinguish it from the ordinary. In the process, I went broke, and despaired. But when my vision finally cleared, it was as if, for the first time, I could see the difference, clear as day. Pyrite looked like nothing more than a shiny candy wrapper — a worthless piece of trash reflecting sunlight. Gold, on the other hand, was as luminous as the sun itself.
I still remember the very last time I almost mistook garbage for gold. I had a second of shiny object syndrome with some man I’d momentarily mistaken for my man. I recognized who and what he was faster than I would have in the past, and I summoned the strength to do the difficult but necessary task of pushing him away. I swear it was a test. This guy really wanted to date me, and I had to allow myself to tolerate feeling like a bit of an asshole for saying, “sorry, you’re not who I thought you were. My mistake. Please carry on without me.” But I passed the test. I exercised proper discernment. I kept the faith. You see, I had recently gotten very clear about what exactly I needed in a partner, and accepted that those needs were legitimate, resisting various forms of temptation to see them as excessive or unattainable. When I saw the signs that this was not the person I was looking for, I rejected him, knowing I must continue to leave room in my life for the right person, even if it meant tolerating being alone for some unknown period of time. So I did that.
I met my partner shortly thereafter. His eyes didn’t glimmer with the false light of fool’s gold. They glowed with the warmth of real golden sunlight.
“Faith is about knowing something in your heart, trusting it, and staying the course to manifest it.”
Faith is about knowing something in your heart, trusting it, and staying the course to manifest it.
This is a bit off topic, but related, and I think it gives a more concrete example of what I’m talking about. This would be my advice to people who want children and aren’t sure they’ve found the right person to have them with yet: live as if you are indeed meant to have those future children you carry in your heart. This is the only way to bring them forth. It’s tragic when people who want children settle for partners who don’t. I think it’s an act of doubt, not of faith.
So Laura, if you know at least some of the truth of what you need in a partner, what would it look like for you to find your faith in that vision and start living as if it’s your job to help it manifest? Can you cooperate with the universe to bring forth your desired future? It’s just about doing your part — not the whole dance, but not none of it either. If you had the right partner, how would he want you to treat yourself this evening? How about tomorrow morning? What choices would he want you to be making right now that will help lead you to him, and help prepare you to be the best version of yourself to step into his love?
I want to wrap this up neatly, but I also just want to release it to you and the world. It’s done enough. Now go look after yourself as if you’re worth it.
*This is a fictional portrayal of a sample therapy client based on an amalgamation of common issues I’ve treated. This is not meant to identify any specific individual. Any resemblance is coincidental and unintentional.
