Dating after Abuse: Practical Tips
Many people turn to me for help leaving or recovering from a toxic relationship. If you have ever been abused emotionally, physically, or sexually by someone you once believed loved you, then you know how incredibly disorienting and frightening it can be to re-enter the dating world. It can be difficult to trust your own judgment when it led you so far astray in the past. So you might even over-react and double-down on efforts to spot red flags. The problem with this is that there are plenty of well-meaning but flawed people out there who sport some of these "warning signs" from time to time. For instance, narcissists love-bomb, but so do people who are truly infatuated. Being hyper-alert for red flags can cause you to prematurely reject prospective partners who might have been happy to treat you well. It can also leave you feeling tense and insecure because you haven't done the inner work to examine your own triggers, emotional hooks, and self-destructive dating habits.
In this article, I take a different approach. I introduce some warning signs that might indicate potential problems, and offer remedies: steps you can take to make sure you are taking good care of yourself, and to give the person you are dating the opportunity to demonstrate that they are in fact a healthy person for you.
Beware: love bombing The remedy: stay busy, pace yourself and practice the three-month rule People with ulterior motives often create a lot of intensity early in a relationship. They may profess love, shower you with gifts and attention, talk of future dreams together, and try to talk for hours a day. This can be incredibly seductive, but if it's genuine, their feelings will grow with time, and be evident down the line. So no matter how appealing a new relationship may seem, don't let it take over too much of your time. Stay busy with work, hobbies, self-care, and friends. Decide ahead of time how much time you want to spend with a new love interest - maybe two dates a week and a phone call or two? - and stick to it. And, perhaps the toughest but most important challenge: don't take anything too seriously until at least three months have elapsed. Someone who's truly interested in you will stick it through, build trust, and naturally evolve into a priority in your life.
Beware: triangulation The remedy: have excellent self-esteem - or fake it til you make it There are few things more delightful to a narcissist's ego than having other people fight over them. In the early stages of dating, a narcissist may concoct a scenario in which you are positioned against their ex or another love-interest, and subconsciously baited to try to "win" them. If you're given an opportunity to fight for someone's attention, don't fall for it. A simple, "well, it seems you're caught up with so-and-so, so I'm going to give you space for that. Feel free to reach out in the future if that ends, and if I'm still single, maybe we can try again," should do the trick. A person worthy of your time and attention will feel just as nervous about losing your affection, as you feel about losing theirs. Walk away, don't compete, and let them prove their interest if it's genuine. If you don't see yourself as having great self-esteem already, the good news is that you don't have to wait until you feel that way in order to start behaving in the same way that someone with excellent self-esteem would.
Beware: concocted emergencies The remedy: send blessings and remember healthy people have others they can turn to There are very few scenarios in which a socially and emotionally healthy person in the early stages of a new relationship has no other social supports besides their "date-mate." If your new love interest has an emergency or crisis within the first few months of dating, you can express sympathy and offer a small kind gesture or two, but don't try to make yourself feel special by being their rescuer; it's a trap. Trust them to handle things, and expect that they will rely on friends and family. If they don't take kindly to that, their reaction may be a warning sign that they have an exaggerated sense of entitlement.
Beware: surprise arguments The remedy: take time away to process Arguments are a normal part of human relating and not necessarily always indicative of a problem. However, normal arguments can usually be somewhat predicted by a build-up of tension, and they make sense in retrospect, whereas arguments with abusive people often come out of the blue and catch you off guard. Furthermore, when a normal argument occurs within the first few months of dating, an emotionally healthy person will likely feel at least a bit ashamed, embarrassed, inwardly conflicted, or apologetic about their part in it. This doesn't mean they will take 100% of the blame, but someone who refuses to accept any responsibility for their part, and maintains a firm display of anger, righteousness, and entitlement without any sign of inner conflict or embarrassment, is a person to be wary of. If you get into a fight within your first few months of dating, take time away to reflect on what happened as soon as possible. Journal, talk to a friend or therapist, and make sure you have emotionally processed as well as rationally analyzed what happened. Ask yourself if their concerns and the way they went about expressing them are reasonable, within the realm of normal human woundedness and fallibility. If not, this may be your cue to walk away.
Beware: putting down your friends and family The remedy: keep your loved ones close - no matter what An abuser isolates their victim from friends and family gradually over time. In the early stages of dating, this can look like pressuring you into spending all of your time with them, and making subtle comments that diminish or criticize people you are close to. Don't fall for it. No matter how flawed your loved ones may be, it's not the place of someone new in your life to tell you what's wrong with them. They should be focusing on getting to know your world, including the people in it and what makes those relationships meaningful to you. Make sure you maintain your social network, and are prepared to walk away from anyone who tries to undermine that. While you're at it, you might also want to get to know who they are close with and what those relationships are like, as that can tell you a lot about your love-interest.
Beware: compelling sob stories The remedy: beware your own emotional hooks; connect over common ground instead There are many reasons a potential love interest might share a compelling story of their own victimization with you. Not everyone who does so is necessarily exploitative. But a person who dumps a whole lot of trauma on you early in a relationship is, at best, displaying poor judgment, messy boundaries, entitlement to emotional caretaking, and a lack of the maturity necessary to form relationships based on mutual respect and common interests. At worst, this behavior may be a deliberate attempt to elicit sympathy and capitalize on any propensity you might have to try to rescue someone, or prove that you are different from all those others who supposedly failed them. Don't fall for it. This pattern within you sets you up to bend over backwards for someone who may never appreciate it and may, in the end, paint you as yet another villain to their next unwitting victim. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having a trauma history. But you're a romantic partner, not a therapist. Look for someone who has other social supports and has processed their trauma enough to share their story gradually over time, without needing more from you than is appropriate to the stage of the relationship that you two are in. Form a relationship through common interests. Create positive memories together through adventures, humor, and play. Discuss philosophies, politics, and passions. Bond over shared interests - not pity or obligation.
Beware: altruistic hero stories The remedy: keep a level head Being virtuous, accomplished, and heroic are certainly attractive qualities in a mate. But a person with a solid history of excellent behavior doesn't need to brag, or prove it to you all at once. Evidence of their valor will make itself apparent over time. You will be delighted to uncover stories that demonstrate their virtue as you get to know them through normal back-and-forth conversation. A mature person will also be equally interested in your own stories and virtues. They won't feel a need to compete, downplay, diminish, or dismiss your attractive character qualities, because they are confident enough in their own to take a curious interest in you.
Beware: gifts with strings attached The remedy: keep it simple A partner who offers gifts and acts of service can seem quite promising, but the gifts should be attuned to the stage of relationship that you are in. A bottle of wine is a fine gift for a fourth date at your place; a puppy, on the other hand, is not. Beware of gifts that are grandiose or complex, or that might entangle you into future plans or attachments with them before you're sure that level of commitment is right for you. And run for the hills if a person offers you something freely, then later misconstrues the act as indicative of their generosity and your selfishness! In the early stages of dating, politely decline any offer that seems to go overboard. A good person will understand why you might feel it's too much, and be happy to reserve grander gestures for later in the relationship.
Beware: an ambiguous employment situation The remedy: be pragmatic Manipulative people often speak of their careers in ways that make little sense so as to hide a shady employment history or an exploitative income source. A person who is in a position in life to have an adult relationship also has an adult job and can explain it to you in one or two sentences of plain English.
Beware: digging for sensitive information The remedy: pace yourself It feels amazing when someone takes an interest in us. There are all kinds of reasons a love interest might want to know your stories and secrets, and many of them are perfectly innocent. However, manipulative people often go looking for information that they can later use against you. Once they know what you are truly passionate about or sensitive to, they know they can emotionally "hook" you by bringing up those areas in an argument, insisting you have somehow failed at something you care deeply about. A manipulative person may misconstrue or twist around personal things you have shared with them in trusting, intimate moments. At worst, they may even blackmail you, threatening to expose your secrets should you expose their abuse. In the early stages of a relationship, there are many ways to connect. Wait until someone earns your trust before you spill your deepest, darkest secrets. If you feel the need to share something very personal, talk to a close friend or therapist.
Beware: acting like they know you really well The remedy: know yourself It's incredibly seductive to feel like someone knows you well. Manipulators know the power such intimacy holds. The sense that your partner really knows you makes it all the more painful when they later vilify and misconstrue your every motive. So make sure you know yourself first and foremost. Not just your preferences, habits, and history, but also your resilience, deepest values, motives, beliefs, desires, and intentions. An abusive person will use what they know about your preferences, habits, and history to act like they know you - and then hurtfully misconstrue your values, motives, beliefs, desires, and intentions, to make you feel horrible about yourself. Don't let that happen. When you're dating someone, notice if they are picking up on your core beliefs and virtues just as much as they might pick up on more superficial aspects of your personality. Don't assume they notice just because you display an admirable quality; really see if they pick up on it. Do they have a good sense of your character? Do they acknowledge the strengths you love about yourself, and reflect them back to you? Do they give you the benefit of the doubt and see your positive intentions? A person worthy of your attention will provide accurate reflections of your virtues and reasoning. When you eventually have some kind of conflict, their true knowledge of your good character will make all the difference.
Beware: boundary testing The remedy: say no early and often Have you ever read the children's book, If You Give a Mouse a Cookie? Manipulators are like mice who pressure you into giving one thing after another and can never be satisfied. In relationships, this often begins in small ways. Whether or not they are consciously aware of what they are doing, in this phase of a relationship, manipulative people are testing you to see if they can bend, pressure, or coerce you. If they can, they will keep upping the ante. Of course, wanting something doesn't automatically make someone a bad person. If you are dating someone and they ask you to do something you're not comfortable with, they're not wrong for asking. But it's important for you to say no sometimes. You want to establish a precedent in your relationship that it's okay for both of you to make requests and say no. The real test of the character of the person you're dating is how they react to your no. Do they hear you the first time, or persist? Do they accept the disappointment and adjust their plans accordingly, or do they blame or shame you for having limits? These are key indicators of a person's emotional maturity and respect for your boundaries.
I hope that these tips are helpful for you. If you'd like more support dating again after an abusive relationship and you live in the state of Oregon, schedule a consultation.
