A Therapist's Treatise on Social Issues, Part 8: Overt Values, Covert Motives
Continued from part 7.
Sometimes, things are not what they appear to be. Sometimes, intention differs from impact. Just because a social trend claims to be about some positive value, such as liberty or justice, does not mean that its outcomes will manifest that value. Furthermore, the values a person holds consciously are not always equivalent to the motives that drive their behaviors unconsciously. It is not only possible, but commonplace, for these to misalign.
As an example, let’s say Anita, who cares deeply about being a good person, holds her core values to be justice, compassion, and equality. She is always striving to improve herself. This is genuine. But it’s also motivated by having grown up with highly critical parents, who made her feel like she was never good enough. Anita’s values make her strongly liberal in her political beliefs. She is vegetarian, pursues a career at a nonprofit working to mitigate climate change, and volunteers at a homeless shelter on Saturdays.
Then Anita meets James. James suffers from chronic illness, and this has interfered with his ability to maintain steady employment. They fall in love. Anita has a lot of compassion for James, and it’s hard to see him suffer. When she sees him struggling to pay rent, she invites him to live with her, and assures him it’s okay if he just chips in what he can, when he can. Soon, James stops working altogether, and no longer makes an effort to find employment. He stays home smoking weed and playing video games while she works and earns a living for the both of them. Soon, she starts coming home to a messy house and an empty fridge. James has stopped showing an interest in her, too. He no longer asks about her day, kisses her, or tells her he loves her. For the most part, he acts cold and indifferent toward her. He starts to become more critical, too. Six months later, she comes home early while James is in the bathroom, sees his computer screen, and discovers that he has been flirting online with other women.
What Anita initially thought was a team effort in which they both chipped in what they could in good faith, has evolved into a situation where she is doing all of the work, both paid and domestic, while James is no longer making an effort to contribute within his means. By positioning himself as a disadvantaged person in need, James exploited Anita’s core values of compassion and equality. He pulled on her heartstrings to make her want to help him. But if anything, Anita is upholding her values less, not more. The energy she has lost in taking care of James without reciprocity has slowed her down at her job. She is making less progress than she had hoped toward her climate change activism goals. She has been so tired that she stopped riding her bike to work and started driving; stopped shopping at the farmer’s market and started ordering takeout; stopped volunteering at the homeless shelter. Her desire to express compassion and foster equality toward those less fortunate has gotten sucked up by one person who doesn’t treat her with a spirit of compassion and equality, at the expense of those most in need.
Some of us learn these lessons the hard way. Once we are wise, we are no longer so easily fooled. We understand that there can be differences between what something is, and what it claims to be.
Some of us see stories like that of Anita and James and we know that we have to confront the apparent narrative, even if it’s unpopular to do so. When Anita’s friend Jamal steps in, he looks like the bad guy. He expresses his concerns to Anita that she doesn’t seem like herself anymore, but she’s still in denial about that. He starts talking to their mutual friends, who all think James is the sweetest guy and wouldn’t harm a fly. Besides, Anita can be rough around the edges sometimes. Maybe James is just exhausted by her. They start to think Jamal is ableist, discriminating against James because of his illness. Some even stop talking to Jamal altogether. A year later, Jamal is the only friend Anita has by her side when she finally confronts the reality of what her relationship has become and decides to break things off with James.
I’ve suffered my share of Jameses, and helped clients escape their own. I have been some version of Anita, and I’ve been some version of Jamal, and I’ve had my own Jamals, thank goodness — they are life-savers. All this has taught me two things: one, don’t let James fool you. And two, it’s better to be a Jamal, even if you lose some friends in the process.
